Imagine

Imagine being told that your mum is dying. That at any moment she could go down hill and never recover from it. Knowing that every other week she has to go to hospital for a day of chemotherapy followed by two days of carrying around her pump and a week of having no energy. How is anyone meant to process that information whether it’s your mum, dad, brother, sister, nan, grandad or friend, it’s never going to be easy. I know that there are many people around who have situations way worse than anything that I am going through and have been through, but even so there are those moments in time where I get selfish and thoughts surrounding my mum’s health get a bit too much for me to handle. 

There are certain trigger points that I have that are known to get me thinking like mad about every possibility I could face with mum, one being weddings. I know that the likeliness of my mum being around for my wedding is extremely low, I'm not just saying it, my mum has said it as well, she has opened up to me about it and obviously was very upset about it. From such a young age all girls dream about is their ideal wedding and mine has always and will always include my mum. Going to other peoples weddings and seeing the brides with their mothers  there makes me ridiculously jealous. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but i do, i cant stop that. Imagine the thought that your own mum could never meet the man that you spend the rest of your life with, the man who loves you for you and looks after you in every possible way he can, the man who is the reason you smile. 

Another big trigger point that should be the last thing on my mind right now is getting pregnant and having children. Every girl is supposed to have their mum there to support them through all of those things. Mum’s are supposed to come out with all of the pregnancy advice and most importantly be there in the room when their daughter gives birth, but I know I’m not going to get that. My mum will never meet her grandchildren. My grandchildren will never meet there Nana Pye. She’ll never be able to spoil them in the way she spoiled me. Never be able to teach them what she knows or tell them any of her little stories. They will never truly understand what an amazing woman she was and there’s not much I can do about that. 

Ever since I can remember my mum has always visited her mum, they always have catch ups over tea and always phone each other up every morning or if something interesting has happened during the day. Knowing that I probably wouldn't even have moved out by the time everything progresses with mum means that her reaching the age where we phone up each other every morning to check how we both are is highly unlikely. However, it is something that i thought would naturally happen because it is what i had grown up with seeing with both of them. Its the little details like these that do really start to weigh down on me after a while, especially when mum makes little comments like ‘at least you wont have to deal with me when I'm this age’.  I’m lucky to have had my mum and to have her now but I already miss her and that’s not okay.